Over Stimulation Anyone?

I feel like I have my period and the flu all at once. I could not sleep last night, I had cramps and lower back pain as well as a headache and my entire body ached like I had the flu. I was really concerned that I got an infection from the IUI (gotta love internet self-diagnosis!). I was reluctant to take anything for it because I didn't know how over-the-counter medicines would interact with all the other drugs I'm on. I posted the question on my infertility bulletin board and one lovely lady was online and had had the same problem. She said Tylenol was OK. Thank goodness I had Tylenol pm, it knocked me out in a matter of fifteen minutes! I'm now suffering through the day, so I made a call to my RE (reproductive endocrinologist). They said it is hyper stimulation of the ovaries, caused by my trigger shot and my super duper ovaries and all their follies. It's not too big of a deal, I just need to take it easy, use a heating pad and take some Tylenol. Now, I only have Tylenol pm so I'm considering taking that or running to the store. Getting in the car and going to a store sounds like a marathon to me right now....so I don't know. Hopefully this will be worth it and lead to a positive in twelve days! Cautiously optimistic.

Early IUI

Well, it turns out that my body was already starting to ovulate on its own so they pushed my IUI up to this morning. I wasn't surprised that it had started on its own, because Sunday night I felt like something was starting to happen. We covered our bases the 'natural' way on Sunday night and I had the IUI today, so we should be ok. This could also mean that there were more than three follicles. The nurse that did my IUI today said that I could have ovulated a follicle earlier and the other ones would follow when they were ready. She's just hoping we don't get multiples. I'm not worried. I just have this sense that it will be ok. I've always felt that getting pregnant was going to be the hard part, but that once that happened we would be fine. We shall see.

I have a good feeling about this cycle. That isn't to say that I will get the BIG FAT POSITIVE that I want, but I'm much more optimistic this cycle. I just feel like so many things are pointing to success. Who really knows, but I just need all of your positive thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for the continued support. I know our lack of pregnancy gets to be old news, but it is old news that we suffer with every day. It just helps to know we have people that truly care! Now, we just wait until November 12!

Yay..CD14!!

I had my follow-up ultrasound today. I have three follicles!!! They range in size from 16-17.5, so they are slightly small, but there are three of them! They can also grow a little bit today before I trigger. My lining was 9mm, so it's perfect! My IUI is scheduled for Halloween! The nurse said there was some fluid around my right ovary, which indicates that my body might be starting the ovulation process on its own. She is going to check my blood draw from today. If it indicates that my body is starting the process, we might have to move the IUI to today or tomorrow! She also said that my body is really reacting well to Clomid, with a great response this month. Three follicles push our chances up to 75% of getting pregnant this cycle! It's exciting, but I'm trying to remain cautiously optimistic. Even though the odds are in our favor, things can still go wrong.

CD12 Ultrasound

As expected, my CD12 ultrasound was anticlimactic. Mark got to join me because it was a Saturday morning. It is always nice when he can come, I feel like we are doing something together. My lining was only 5.5mm (it should be over 7), and my follicles weren't big enough yet. Meaning, we have to go in on Monday (CD14) for another ultrasound. By then both my lining and my eggs should have grown. It appeared that I had 5 possible leader follicles with 20 total follicles on my right ovary and 15 or so. It's more than last month. I only had one or two leader follicles at this point and it turned into just one. (The leader follicle/s takes over and the smaller follicles stop growing, so I won't have twentytuplets or anything) I'm hoping that I get two or three good follicles this month to up my chances. The financial countdown has begun. We only have two or three more months of treatments before our insurance coverage for infertility is completely gone. So, the bills have already mounted but will become insane in a couple of months. We just need extra prayers so that we don't reach that point.

Baseline and On to the Races!

Well, my baseline ultrasound went well. I was given the clear to proceed with my drugs this month. There was one follicle/cyst present, but it wasn't large enough to worry about. They decided to keep my protocol the same, since I reacted 'perfectly' to it last month. I would consider it 'perfect' if I was pregnant right now, but whatever they say. My uterus looked 'beautiful' again, so we're on! I'm on CD7 now, and I'm taking Clomid through CD9. I will have my next ultrasound on CD12, so now I just wait and hope my follicles are growing...any extra prayers would be very appreciated. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up physically, mentally and financially(well, financially I do because you know us...we have a budget...an infertility budget, how absurd!)!!

Really Negative

In case anyone was holding out for my blood test, it was negative. I wasn't feeling PMSy (although I never really do), so I was wondering when I would get my period. It came with a vengeance early this morning so I'm officially CD1 (cycle day one). I have a baseline ultrasound tomorrow morning to make sure my ovaries are quiet, empty of cysts, and then I'm off to the races again! Hopefully I didn't grow any cysts over the last month. I'm hopeful because I did ovulate, which clears out at least one ovary and I had a reasonable number of follicles last month. If I had had a ton of follicles I would most likely have a cyst. We shall see. Tomorrow we will also discuss if we change my protocol. I responded well to the dosage of clomid I was on, so they may just keep it the same. I feel like upping it a bit. I want to get two good follies this time. For every good follie there is a 25% chance of pregnancy...two follies would up my chance to 50%...not bad! Well, I guess beggars can't be choosers so I'll just pray for no cysts right now! Happy Tuesday!

Negative

So, I was right. I took a home pregnancy test today, 12 days post IUI, and it was negative. I still have to go in for the blood test on Monday, but I'm sure it will say the same thing. Now I just have to wait for my period to start all over again.

This never gets any easier. When does it end?

Depressed

I'm only 2dpiui (2 days post IUI) and I'm depressed. I already have a defeatist view. What are the chances that we fall into the 25% bracket that this actually worked? If it didn't work, how long will it take me to get another good egg? Then my mind begins to spiral...will I ever be pregnant? How can I be so little of a woman that I can't do the most important thing in womanhood? Has my obsession with diet and exercise made me more infertile? Has my love/hate relationship with my daily Coca-Cola made me more infertile? How can Mark stand that I'm doing this to him? How can I release this sadness without the ability to kill myself physically with a workout or have a drink tonight? How can I keep my mind off of this?

Infertility just f***ing sucks! I hate it and what it has done to me! I just want to be normal and happily pregnant and naive of what could have been. I want to be shopping for baby stuff in preparation for what is to come. Instead I'm sitting here crying, bloated from meds and wondering if it all will be worth it? Wondering if I will ever hit that finish line. I've never had so little control.

Don't worry, I should really just say that I'm sad and in mourning for my fertility. It happens a few times a month, and I do get past it until the next breakdown. I just want answers NOW, and I know it is not a possibility. I want to know, for certain, that there is a light at the end of this VERY LONG, DARK tunnel. If I knew that light was there, I could enjoy the journey of the tunnel...or at least not feel so badly during that journey.

I'm going on a walk this afternoon and then to yoga. I think a little fresh air and some diversion will be good. If I can't do a "real" workout (cardio), then I might as well do a couple that the infertility gods deem as 'helpful' towards fertility. What a down day...only 12 more days until I know what happened this cycle...not that I'm counting, or anything! :)

Altogether weird....but hopefully effective

Today was the big day! Mark and I went in this morning at 7:30 for him to give his 'sample'. I was able to drive him to work and still get him there on time. My appointment was at 9:30 so they had time to prep his sample for the IUI procedure. Now, I never thought I would get pregnant when my husband wasn't present but I guess that is the way it goes.

The whole thing was very anticlimactic. They made me double check that the 'sample' they had in their small syringe indeed had Mark's name on it. Then they showed my the stats on his sample (I won't bore you with the details, but it couldn't have been much better!). Then they showed my the long catheter they would use to get the 'sample' past my cervix.

Sorry if this is all too much information...but you are still reading it aren't you? :)

It was just me and the nurse in the room. I undressed from the waist down, she attached the catheter to the syringe, inserted a speculum, and then inserted the catheter. It didn't feel the best, but it wasn't really any worse than a pap smear. It was all done in a matter of a minute or so. Then she had me lay there by myself for ten minutes and I was free to go.

While laying there alone, I giggled out loud. I don't know if it's the drugs, but I just thought it was funny. This is what I have to do to get pregnant? Who knew! It is just all too weird and unnatural.

With Mark's good 'sample', we have about a 25% chance of conceiving. That is a 75% chance of not conceiving, so I'm not getting my hopes up. It's better than the natural 5-10% chance that the average couple has every month because we took out some of the guess work, but the odds are still against us. I'm just going to remain cautiously optimistic and try not to torture myself during the two-week waiting period that has now begun!